I have never really had a good relationship with my older brother. I remember feeling disliked by him when we were kids, although also can’t remember any specific interactions we had. As we got older our relationship seemed to improve until maybe three years ago when we had the mother of all fights about something that didn’t need to culminate in the mother of all fights. We are similar in many ways, but we have very different views on life.
I haven’t spoken to him for a good six months since I last saw him when I popped home for Christmas. The night before I left the UK the first time he told me to fuck off and I didn’t actually get to say good bye. He didn’t wish me a happy birthday this year, which sounds small and pathetic but it would have been kind.
I’m writing about this because I learnt yesterday that my brother has expressed a hatred for me and is ‘not looking forward to me returning to the UK’.
This news has done wonders in making me feel like a TERRIBLE human being.
I also can’t help thinking how did we get here?
Someone once told me they thought I was great because I give no fucks. But the thing is, I’m great at appearing to give no fucks (NB. sometimes I genuinely do give no fucks). However this time I do give a fuck, in fact I give lots of fucks.
This is my brother.
I may not like the guy all the time or agree with everything he says but I do love him.
I have no answers on how to fix this. Or if it even can be fixed. What I do know is that it feels pretty shit and ya know if you were thinking ‘hey I want to get in to a family feud’, I’d say don’t. It hurts.